I heard you say, when we are given the choice between two options, the best is usually the one that is heaviest on the nafs. Had I been conscious of this, I might have reasoned myself out of my stubbornness. Maybe I would have been nearer. But there are no “what ifs” in reality. Whatever happens is the only thing that could have happened, because Allah chose it after all.
I said, it is too heavy. There was too much meaning packed in those short moments. Will I keep acting shy, or will I do what I know is best for myself?
I found the strength to ask. You said, “are you sure that is what you want?”
Which “you” does the question refer to?, I later thought. Is it my ego that wants it or is it a part of me that overrides this? It was heavy, I see. I actually replied in that case, “I just want to follow your opinion. If it means I follow you then ok, if not then it is also ok.” I couldn’t be mad if he said no, I decided.
I did not know how to deal with the heaviness of the matter, and so I procrastinated. I later let myself and watched myself plunge into a rut, almost as if I felt I needed to see again what it was like to be down there to put myself back into perspective. I am done with that person, though. I am ready to move on from that “me” to another “me”. I would like to transcend the “I” that would like, but “I” need help to leave it.
All our souls were once before the presence of Allah, in full awareness. Allah asks the souls, “Am I not your Lord?”. The souls replied, “Indeed, Allah you are our Lord.” The soul is the side who has no problem getting nearer to Allah. I suppose, the soul was already in direct contact with Allah. Anything else that has come to me has come to weigh me down and make beauty difficult.