Autobiography of my Conscious Philosophy – My first 5 years in Islam

A teacher mentioned once that statistically, most converts who actually leave Islam after converting usually do so within their first five years (reference would be quite nice here). I’d like to outline the phases and experiences I’d gone through as a Muslim in my first five years. I will not get into the details of my life choices, but rather with regards to my spiritual growth/decline and experiences specific to religion and the metaphysical, thus my name for the autobiography series, Autobiography of my Conscious Philosophy.

When I first entered into Islam, I was told I could take my time establishing the five prayers. I personally wanted to experience salah and I had practically begun immediately after my conversion. Surely, I didn’t have fiqh mastered at that point and I had found myself making silly, obvious and strange errors and misunderstandings on things such as wudhu even six months afterward. A transliterated Arabic copy of al-Fatihah was all I had (I guess I didn’t hear about the recitation of a second surah until later).


Autobiography of my Conscious Philosophy – My Conversion to Islam: Year 5 Reflections

“Why did you become Muslim?”, “What made you convert to Islam?”

Five years into experiencing Islam and being a Muslim, my favorite response to this sort of question goes along the lines of, “Well, what are some reasons why anyone would convert to Islam?”

Since I’ve gotten the question quite a number of times, it makes it more interesting to include the questioner and to start a game of brainstorming. Maybe we will come across a new and interesting reason why someone might convert to Islam. It’s nice to share ideas.

Perhaps in honesty, while I’ve had so much time to think about the reasoning behind my conversion, I am usually not entirely satisfied with any answer I usually give. To say, “I don’t know why” also doesn’t sound very confident either though. To reflect on my conversion to Islam, my intentions for embracing the religion, affirming the existence of God and acknowledging the uniqueness of the Qur’an leads me to believe that humans in general are not all so simple creatures. Some of the reasons for which we do things are unconscious to ourselves in the moment and the reasons why we do things are later revealed to us.

My story wasn’t entirely linear either. There wasn’t someone who was preaching to me or who “made me convert” or convinced me through his or her work alone. My interest in Islam began with very little to no prior interaction with followers of the religion.

What tends to be unhelpful and insensitive is to assume that my conversion was done for one particular reason. This is propagating onto someone else an image of how they view the world to properly be, but everyone’s view on the world is limited.

It may have started out as a spiritual search. If we would like to stretch the time frame back eve years before I thought of Islam, we could maybe convince ourselves that my interest in psychology as a side-hobby eventually evolved into an interest in understanding world cultures and other people, which evolved into trying to understand how other people viewed the world, which made me finally give in to learning something about many other religions.

I’d grown up in a moderate or liberal protestant background, though, like many often do, I eventually moved into a kind of secular non-religious global mono-culture. I might have said something to the effect of how disappointing it is that religion creates divides in humanity, as though maybe secularism would unite humanity. The human project would be solved in a complex mathematical equation at the hands of some brilliant think-tanks, who could imagine up a way for society to function together and ensure happiness. There was no need for mention of a God in any such endeavors. I may have seen a God as potentially distracting. I was kind of an agnostic – I didn’t want to be like the angry atheists, but also I simply felt I hadn’t found any reason to believe in a God or to follow a religion for that matter. Certain aspects about the Christian religion irked me. It was still 2011 however and there was little controversy in how anyone believed or didn’t believe at that time, I felt at least.

I’ve spent some time reflecting on the possibilities which may  have lead me to begin more soul searching at that part of my life. I was basically a nerd in high school, a band geek as well. I was introverted, quiet. Most people had a respect for me I always felt, though I often made myself rather unapproachable. For much of the time, I was quite satisfied to have just a few people that I regularly met with, while engaging interests in music theory and composition, computer games and internet surfing. I was short, had acne and wore clothes that were generally too big for me, which combined with an introverted personality left me in no condition to consider some sort of dating in high school or even in the first years of college, but I would start to attempt to change these things starting my senior year in high school. Perhaps learning about dressing well over the internet (which I may address currently, but do not take as a hobby or interest anymore) and also fixing my acne problem (which was quite a problem) through the use of a powerful drug had helped me to realize something else. I thought that fixing these problems would actually make me feel better about myself and that I would be a totally different person, yet after fixing them, I found myself to be unchanged. I could no longer blame those two scapegoats, so I started to feel motivated to turn inward to fix something about myself. This lead me into the side-hobby of psychology and particularly MBTI personality types.

I may have mentioned it before, but I was quite a nerd, and of course I still am. There is a process involved in turning one’s nerdhood from an insecurity to a means and a path of personality building. SO, I had started to learn about MBTI personality types and soon, I had a lot of people around me identified in their personality type. Myself, an INTP found this like a game. I believe these interests were in fact relevant towards something that would lead me to Islam, or perhaps one kind of Islam at least. Of course, I understand that Allah guides people to Islam and that any such endeavors that someone comes across which “lead them to Islam” are means chosen by Allah.

I had an atheist friend in college. Not just an atheist, but one of these preaching fundamentalist atheists. He had an interesting perspective in how he explained that human love is but a farce, a biological mechanism to incite reproduction and sex. I would call him a fundamentalist, because he really was able to be honest with himself and present his case in full from point zero. Many atheists had just gone along with their lives and not given a real care about the implications of their beliefs or what it had meant, but he was different. Myself, being an agnostic rather, listened to what he had to say, but hearing his words perhaps made me feel further from atheism on some aspects. He was, I suppose an admitted materialist and he was able to explain why atheists are materialists. He sometimes mocked religion as well. For myself, I had felt that my own experience had discredited materialism. I was open to exploring myself, realizing that I was much more complex than I felt materialism could explain. To be described by biological mechanisms and chemical reactions was simply not a position I had decided to take. This friend’s comments on Islam once actually gave me the idea to search on youtube, “why islam” where I came across a video titled “why Islam” by Baba Ali (go watch it). So, well I sent the friend the video as a kind of probing joke, also to suggest that well, look I mean this guy doesn’t quite seem so crazy as you would have me believe, now does he? He replied by actually telling me, laughing, fine then go be Muslim. It would be a few months before I went back to attempting research of religions, however. As I mentioned before, I generally found religion to be dry, boring or maybe controlling or cruel.

So, it was really a mixture of trying to understand other cultures, how other people thought about the world and also of trying to understand my own self better that initially would have made me feel encouraged to try to learn about Islam alongside other religions such as buddhism, sikhism, taoism, hiduism and practices of yogis. I was curious to know more about other cultures because I felt this could help me be able to communicate with others from across the globe better. I also thought that if I found something better in the understanding of another culture or if I found a different approach to be more beneficial to me that I would take that particular aspect or practice on myself.

So there I was, one summer off from my current engineering college program, but I was feeling tired of video games. Looking for something outside of myself and for a more beneficial project, I dove in deeper into my previous interest in learning about other religions.

Sikhism, I found was an interesting, spiritual religion. I appreciated their inclination towards monotheism (if that is correct), in contrast to a confusing myriad of gods from other religions such as Hinduism. Growing long hair shows an interest in being a natural, complete human as I saw it. I was not sure however about practicing a religion that hardly made any truth claim to itself. If I am correct, Sikhism is essentially a perennial religion which accepts religious validity of other faiths, which left me asking why I should bother anyway. This is where I start to notice my immaturity in handling other religions and how I went about learning about religions. I was immature because while Sikhism made no claim to physical evidence and their claim was that the evidence was experiential, the claim of experiential knowledge as I understand now is real evidence. I was more of an empiricist at that time. Toaism and Buddhism were interesting traditions as well. Toaism seemed to be concerned with balance, but they didn’t have much to say about God.

It should go without saying that the understanding of God in Islam stuck out as a very natural and logical belief. Actually, from what I had heard of to that point, so much of the atheist disdain of God revolved around the belief that God was a man floating in the sky. Islam, interesting enough would have the same disdain for a strange belief as such, as Allah was beyond physical definition. As a creator of the laws of physics, Allah would not be bound by these. Much of the “search” for God in the stars of the universes is just as futile as the atheists had supposed, according to this religion of Islam. From my agnostic background, I found that accepting this monotheistic explanation of God would be quite easy. I didn’t just go and become Muslim right away though.

I had not known any Muslims growing up. I had practically zero interaction with the religion at all in person. I bought an English translation of the Qur’an from a local Barnes and Nobel (The Oxford publication by Abdul Haleem).

The summer of 2012 had approached and I was planning to leave my American University to study anew in Germany the coming fall. I had begun learning German at my American University and I was originally hoping to spend a semester or year abroad in Germany. Through interactions with students from Germany, I found out that it would be quite easy to apply and that the schooling would be very inexpensive – about 100 Euros per semester for tuition. I felt I was interested in a change and the chance seemed worth it to take, so I sent out some applications and I would soon receive acceptance and plan to move there in the fall.

I had a couple summer jobs those few months, though the free time available would give me quite a lot of time to reflect and consider looking into religion again. I started to link religion into the complex system of the project of human sustainability. My perspective on religion was changed. I had come to understand it not really as a controlling agent, but as a potentially holistic human approach towards their life. I would be riding my bike to the beach, my English translation of the Quran in my backpack. I can recall reading the first – well, I finished Surah Baqarah in that first setting. I remember the strange ayats from the beginning of Surah Baqarah, speaking of people having sicknesses in their hearts, causing them to turn away. I found these ayats very interesting as I didn’t expect the Quran to have this sort of deeper narrative. I can recall saying that whoever wrote this (Quran) must have been rather arrogant – later would I find out one of Allah’s names: Al-Mutakabbir. Then the ayat came: “For those who are i doubt of what we have sent, send but one verse like it.”, which I immediately recognized as a challenge. Has anyone been successful at meeting this challenge? I thought, until it is established that it has bee done, I would start to take this Quran a bit more seriously. From my Christian background as well, I found that accepting stories of older Prophets of God and working this explanation of past religions into my new mind-frame would be quite easy. I didn’t just go and become Muslim right away though. How would I do that anyway? Though I might have communicated with God somehow that day. Maybe it is possible that I had become Muslim that day without realizing it. I continued reading the English Quran translation on may visits to the same beach. Soon, I would be traveling to Germany to begin a new study program.

When I arrive in Germany, as I am starting the semester with a group of internationals, I end up meeting Muslims from Malaysia and Egypt. I would visit a Turkish style mosque, the first mosque I ever visited. I felt it was very calm, like I could stop many concerns while being in the room. The friend who took me there insisted I make wudhu, so he taught me how and he said I could follow him for his salah. Of course it felt quite strange to be making these awkward positions. The friend pointed to the ceiling to say, “This ayat here is worth one-third of the Quran.” I didn’t understand him and I thought he meant there was a third of the Quran on the ceiling and I just said, “I”m pretty sure it is a lot longer than that…” I was kind of in a trial mode for Islam. Still, I didn’t become Muslim until a few weeks later, after the third jummah that I would have visited (as a non-Muslim). I never really ever looked back, but no doubt, there would need to be some sorting out of the various types of Islam that exist(ed) and it would not always be easy or fun.